Death - An Opportunity to Model Compassion

There are days when my cat's age becomes so clear - the fading eyes, stiff legs and lazy play. At times I can't stop myself from whispering, "Abbey, my dear sweat kitty, we've been friends for so long." I am NOT alone in talking to my animals. I'm not the first to think of them as friends, and I won't be last to grieve when they leave their furry bodies behind. My mind often wanders to the losses I fear, the memories I cherish, and the actions that will one day have to symbolize what my animals' friendships have meant to me.

Pet Loss Books For Children Helping Children to Cope with Separation & Loss By Claudia Jewitt, Harvard Common, 1992 Snowflake in My Hand By Samantha Mooney, Delacorte, 1983 The Tenth Good Thing About Barney By Judith Viorst, Atheneum, 1975 When A Pet Dies By Fred Rogers, G.P. Putnam's Sons, 1988 More Pet Loss Resources

It was during one of these moments, Abbey snuggled at my feet, when it occurred to me: From the perspective of Humane Education, much can be taught about the value and importance of life through death. As if to illustrate my own revelation, a vivid memory came flooding back.

I was just a kid when the family dog became ill and I was spying on my parents trying to learn her fate. My father, apparently unprepared to deal with the current situation, could only sob as he told my mother about the day he discovered the body of his childhood dog at the dump.

I can only begin to fathom my father's anger and pain, but I will never truly know what he felt when he discovered that his friend and faithful companion had been thoughtlessly discarded on a pile at the dump. Tossed aside as a worn out "thing." An "It!"

I'm convinced that this experience had a profound effect on my father, as he would always remain cold and distant when our companion animals died. I'm not suggesting that he did not mourn. His grief was very real, but attached to it was an overwhelming feeling of shame. Looking back I think he was mostly ashamed at allowing himself to feel anything at all.

Shame appears to be a common among those grieving the loss of a pet. In more than several articles, poems and books the mourners seemed compelled to apologize in some way for their feelings. However, shame was only the beginning, because what caught my attention again and again was the "It" theme. I've re-read several poems from a collection of memorials that all addressed this thought: Pets are "just this," or "only that." Interestingly, the number one complaint from those who were grieving the loss of a pet was that someone implied that their pain and grief were less profound simply because they were mourning the loss of an "it," and not a "who."

Its unfathomable in a society where 93% of guardians consider their companion animals "part of the family," that we have no widely practiced rituals to honor our devoted and loving pets when they pass. We should take this seriously because in their dishonor we hurt only ourselves. So it is that death should become an opportunity for humane education. What better message of compassion could we teach? What better way to show that all life has value, then to honor all death?

I implore you to follow a few humane guidelines:

• Do not follow the example of those who secretly replace pets with the hopes that no one will notice. This seems common in classrooms and sadly when the children notice, and surely they will as looks aside animals have different personalities and habits, this will only reinforces the "It" theme.
  
  
• Never lie or cover up the death of an animal. These experiences are sad, but necessary whether you believe that the death of a pet is a rehearsal for "greater" losses, or if you believe as many professionals, that the loss of a pet is as significant as human loss.
  
  
• Do not belittle another's grief. Their feelings, however unfathomable to you are very real to the bereaved. Instead, try to recognize individual relationships. With children these relationships take many forms. Some children confide in their pets (animals never share secrets or make fun of fears). Others love their pets because they offer unconditional love or acceptance in return. Pets can also supply a way for children to act out parental roles and vice versa. Many children going home to empty houses have expressed finding security in, or seeking security from their animals.
  
  
• Never let a friend (and for certain, all companion animals are these) pass on unrecognized. If we cannot mourn their loss, then it raises the question of how deeply we valued their life. Instead model for those around you respect for all life, and include in this a respect for the loss of life. Remember the golden rule and treat others, even animals, as you expect to be treated. Above all else, put these things into action. Children learn best by example and we cannot risk expecting them to do as we say if what we say fails to reflect our own actions.